words

Today is an odd day.  There is just so much that I want to say and get out but for some reason I am having a hard time doing it.  I can write page after page of words but nothing seems to say how I feel.  It's like I'm running in circles, trying to find something yet have no idea where it is.  It's just so frustrating cause it just won't come out.  Everything it just pounding in my head trying to land on the page but there is a block somewhere.  It just won't come out.  Nothing makes any sense.  I just want it out.  It's messing with my head.  It's like I'm having 5 different emotions at the same time and just can't figure out which one is the dominant one.  Blah...  So much for today, maybe better luck next time.

Who is Kim?

At the beginning of every class my teachers all seem to want us to introduce ourselves and tell them a little bit about us.  I don't really mind it, but what do I say?  Lately I've condensed it to this.  Born and raised on the East coast of Canada, transferred to Andrews for my second year of University.  Got a BBA in management and now getting an MBA.  Goals for the future is to own my own business and hopefully help people along the way.  So that is that.  Quick, to the point and not boring them with my life story.

But sometimes the question of who you are goes beyond the superficial and that is where I have the problems.  I never truly understood why someone would want to know more about me but seems like there are a few.  What do I tell them then?  Do they really want to know who I am and what has made me who I am or are they just being polite?  Rarely have I told anyone my story because I just don't believe that anyone would want to know.  I'm used to people just saying things and not really meaning it.  I'm a little cynical I guess.  

Recently, I have been thinking about what my motivation for life is.  That may sound odd but it's important for me.  Maybe I think too much about things but I can clearly see that who I am today started when I was born. That very day pretty much, or just slightly after.  All I know is that when growing up my favorite person in all the world was my Gram.  She was the best person ever and was always there to spoil me.  It's sad to say but now I can't really remember her all that much.  It's more like I remember the feeling of her, how she loved me no matter what.  Sure, there were my parents who loved me too, but nothing compares to a grandparents love.  Mine are all gone and I miss them all.  I miss Grandpa and all the stories and advice he would give me.  I also miss Grandma who played all sorts of games with us kids.  All three of them meant a lot to me and I never really realized it until there were gone.  I still have my moments when it all comes back but I figure that is what's keeping me going.

When I left for college I knew I had to get away.  I was getting very desperate and feeling very lost.  I don't think anyone really understands just how beaten I felt back then.  I loved my Gram, but having to take care of her for years while her body was breaking and her mind was disintegrating.  It got to the point where I could barely look at her and that ripped me to shreds because I knew she loved me.  The hardest day for me was telling her that I was leaving, she said for me to go but I knew that she wouldn't last very much longer.  Two years later I was proven right and I blamed myself for it.  It took years for me to accept the fact that I wouldn't have been able to lengthen her life, that if I had stayed there I wouldn't have been able to make her better.  I did my part, I did more than what any grandchild has to do for their grandparents.

But that brings me closer to who I am.  During all this time, after moving away and trying to finish college, I had no idea who I was.  I felt like I lost a part of me and I just didn't know where to find it.  That critical part was missing for a long time but I think I've found it.  My first couple years of college were horrible.  I didn't know what I wanted to do and none of the classes interested me.  I was just doing what I thought everyone else wanted even though I knew from high school that I hated biology.  So why did I make biology my major?  That is a whole other story, this one is long enough.  I eventually found that I was drawn to business and things started to make a little bit more sense but there was still something just not right.  Somehow one of my teachers that I grew close to noticed something was not quite right.  She helped me get the help I needed and eventually I ended up on antidepressants and seeing a therapist on a regular basis.  That helped but I still had my moments.  There were days where I just didn't understand why I was put on this earth.  Nothing made sense and everything I did was wrong and I always messed everything up.  People I thought were friends ran away from me, I didn't want to go to class, I couldn't even properly dress myself.  When that day hit I knew that it wasn't worth it.  I think when I realized what I did I just gave up, that was the last of it.  Next thing I knew I was in the hospital.  That was a hard realization but the truth is that I was a little relieved as well.  But that is also another story.

I've been slowly getting better.  I still have my moments but there aren't nearly as bad and there is always a part of me that tries to keep me sane and push me out of it.  So fast forward to after I graduated with a BBA and you end up at a cross road.  I still didn't really know what I wanted to do.  I had an idea but there was always something that would push against it and make me feel like it was impossible.  But now I am sure of what I want to do.  I have never been sure of anything ever before and it's a scary feeling to actually know now.  My one regret throughout my life is that I couldn't offer my Grandparents the care that they deserved.  I hated the place that my Gram ended up and I didn't like the fact that Grandpa and Grandma were living on their own for so long.  Why couldn't there just be a place that would feel like home with the same freedoms and atmosphere but with the constant care and supervision needed to keep an elderly person safe?  Well that is my goal in life.  I don't care if I make money, I don't care if it takes years to put together, and I certainly don't care if people think that I can't do it.  I will make such a place if it is the last thing I do.  I want the elderly to live out the rest of their days in comfort and peace.  Not having to worry about if there is any food, not having to worry about doing their laundry, not having to worry that they might have forgotten to take their pills and definitely not worry that they will be alone.

So when people ask my who I am it's a rather complicated answer because I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, I'm not even the same person I was last year.  There is still so much about me that makes me who I am that I haven't mentioned but again, that is another story.  I've had my ups and downs and I think I got through them pretty well.  All this was just a way to lead me to what I think my calling is in this world.  Even though it took me so long to figure it out, the truth was there my whole life.  If I had to describe myself at this point in time I would have to say that I am the person that I want to be.  I am very loyal to my friends and family and would never purposefully do anything to hurt them, I can also be very stubborn (I just say I'm always right), I can be fierce when someone gets on my bad side, I will debate for hours on topics that I am passionate about yet I can sit for hours just listening to others talk and be quite content.  I'm a complex person and the fact that it has taken me this long to figure out this one side of me I have no idea what I'm going to learn next.  I like to say that I'm an open book.  I will answer any question of ask of me truthfully and honestly, but if a person really wants to get to know me fully there is no way that it will happen just because they asked questions.  I'm a withdrawn person so surface level talking means absolutely nothing to me.  I have  had people think themselves friends but in reality they were nothing more than acquaintances to me.  There are only a select few who I have let into the mind of Kim and they take me for who I am.  But there have also been a select few who I wanted to let in and they slammed the door in my face.  I'm not an easy person to get to know and understand, and everything you have read now is just part of my past.  Anyone can find these things out about me.  But it's part of who I am and why I write.  I have pages and pages of written thoughts, feelings and ideas and it hasn't been until recently that I figured I could let the rest of the world in a little bit.  Maybe I will tell my other stories sometime soon.  I have to pluck up the courage for those ones first though, they are not as easy to tell and truth be told they may end up longer.  

Some people

For some reason or other, there are just some people who rub me the wrong way.  Whether it comes from them thinking I know shit and always having to tell me what to do even though they are the ones who don't know what they are doing or the fact that they feel the need to always talk to me about useless things.  Then they go and start talking about subjects that they have no idea about and expect everyone in the group to agree with them and don't understand why we don't.  I am in a group for a class at school and it seems like whenever we have "group" discussions it's always this guy and me arguing.  He peeved me off royally today and I was ready to strangle him.  He basically makes us talk around in circles and we never go anywhere so our project is going to be shit when we have to hand it in.  The other two guys in the group tend to sit quietly and only interrupt to change the subject.  Which is good, but the subject never stays changed.  Then, while we are in class, this same guy keeps trying to talk to me when I'm trying to listen to the lecture.  The first day of class I chose my seat and of course this guy had to sit in front of me and get in the same group when we had to split up.  If I get through the next week or so without getting arrested or kicked out of school I will be happy.  At this point I don't even care about the grade as long as I pass.  So much for doing well on the core class for my MBA.  Who needs to get good grades anyways?  Oh, forgot to mention the final is a case study done in our groups, woohoo....