People...

So the world is full of people which I'm sure everyone has noticed.  I don't really have anything against it per se but sometimes I wonder.  Why is it that people feel the need to dominate over others.  Do they really think that they know better?  Maybe it's just a certain type of personality that feels the need to have "power" so they exert said "power" over the ones that think they should have "power" over.  I have no problem with people who have earned the power and have proven themselves worthy but the ones who give the "power" to themselves and who really have no idea what they are doing...  I have a problem then, especially when I feel that I know better.  I'm learning patience because of these people but sometimes I really feel like knocking them down a peg or two.  It's just so annoying.

I think I'm prejudiced

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself but I don't think so.  I like all my students but there are some that I just have a hard time caring if they do well.  They always show up late if they show up at all.  They always expect me to stop what I'm doing with the whole class and help them catch up with what we are doing.  They do the barest minimum and never seem to read any of the instructions.  So whenever they ask for help I am very hesitant to go to them.  I am trying very hard to get over it and I help them no matter what but there is still that feeling like you should know better.

Understanding Oneself

People may think that they know who they are from an early age but in my experience it can take a long time to figure yourself out.  I went through years of self hatred and anger but once I learned and accepted who I am I have become a happier person.  Sure there are people who try and shoot me down, which can sometimes be hard since some are family, but I've learned to try and just brush it off.  I fought for years against myself  in order to be the person everyone wanted me to be but not anymore.  I finally understand who I am and that I can't do anything to change it and in that knowledge I have found more happiness and contentment than I've ever had before.  I like who I am.  I am still learning and one day I may be more open but for now I feel no need to shout anything from the rooftops but I'm not hiding either.

Ode to Teachers

I AM SORRY!!  I'm sorry for not paying attention to everything you said.  I'm sorry for goofing off with the person next to me an disrupting the whole class.  I'm sorry for sometimes ignoring what you said because I thought I knew better.  I'm sorry for asking questions on the homework when I didn't even read any of the instructions.  I'm just sorry.

Now that I realize what it is like to teach I've looked back over my own educational experience and I wonder just how much like the students I have now I was like.  I can't help but feel like I was a somewhat decent student but there are times that I wonder.  Just the thought that I was ever that kid that doesn't pay attention, thinks they know all the answers, and distracts the students around them, I would feel bad.  I can't change the past but now that I know what my teachers went through I can't help but apologize for us all.  The first day after class I went up to one of my teacher and apologized.  She didn't understand at first but she laughed at me afterwards.  It still feels good to know that you are teaching people things they never knew before so I guess teaching isn't all bad.  It does have it's high points.

Remembering

It was the theme of the week, with the university hosting many different events that were centered around what happened 10 years ago today.  All you have to say is September 11 and everyone knows what you are talking about.  Sometimes I wonder if too much is put into remembering such an event but I believe the better way to look at it is the senseless loss of too many lives.  I'm not into politics and I'm not for war but I do believe Bush did the best job he knew how (whether it was swayed or not) and though I may not like war, it happened and the troops deserve all the support we can give.  Whether you were against the war or not, you should still support the troops.  Everyone is recalling how they heard and what it was like for them.  I don't think my story is anything special and was kinda against telling it but I have decided to anyways.  A lot of innocent people lost their lives and through every reminder of that day their lost lives will serve the purpose of reminding us of the bigger picture in this world.

People all over the country are retelling the story about what happened on that day.  We of us that weren't in the cities affected went through a similar story.  Disbelief, plain and simple.  10 years ago I was 16, in my second to last year of high school and felt I had the world at my feet.  I was in math class when I heard what happened and it really didn't sink in until later what this event would cause.  It feels like yesterday that it happened yet at the same time it feels like ages ago.  Since then I have graduated high school, gotten a BBA and almost completed a master's degree.  But I will always remember that day.  For some reason after school I was sitting in the car outside of a bookstore listening to the radio.  All I can remember them saying over and over again is that all planes were grounded and them speculating on what happened.  It was late in the day since school was out so the news had moved on a little from the actual event.  When I got home I ended up watching the new with my Gram and her homemakers and listening to them tell their view on the situation.  I think I only half listened to all this as for me it's hard to take anything serious that is shown on tv.  Guess I'm just the disbelieving type of person unless I see it face to face.  I did wonder about my uncle, who lives in NY but somehow I learned that he was alright.  The gravity of what happened did eventually sink in but it took a while.

My view on what has happened since then doesn't matter today and neither does anyone else's.  Today is about the people who lost their lives and nothing else.  Those who use memorial days like today for political gain have no respect for anyone else.  What happened, happened.  It can't be changed yet we can grow from it and that is what everyone needs to do.  Show respect for those who lost their lives that day and those who have since lost their lives and continue to do so in order to keep us safe.

Randomness

Just a bunch of random thoughts that go through my head in a day.  It's not necessarily in chronological order but close enough.  Hope you enjoy :-)

Why does Buffy feel the need to wake me in the morning?  It's not even like she is begging to go out or anything, she just lays down right in front of my face.

Nothing in my emails, guess today will go somewhat smoothly.

I don't wana do homework...  Ooooo watermelon!!

I'm bored, I don't wana do homework, I don't wana prepare for teaching, I don't wana go for a walk.

Buffy needs to go for a walk, pipsqueak of a dog.  Dang those chipmunks, they always know when we go for a walk and jump out and taunt Buffy.  Good thing she isn't that big of a dog.

What a walk, time to relax.  No homework yet, no prep yet.

Oooooo yogurt!!!

Now lets see if there is anything in my emails and facebook...  nope, well maybe in a little bit

I don't wana do homework or prep.  I need to see if the price of plane tickets has gone down.

I need new music, I need new music, I need new music, I love amazon :-)

Time to clear my head and play a game.

I don't wana do homework or prep...

Buffy needs to be played with :-)

Buffy doesn't bring the tennis balls back anymore :-(

Time to do homework...  WAIT, I have an email.  dang it, just sales for a store.  I wonder what they have...

I wonder if there are any new episodes for my favorite shows?

Ok, now doing homework...

I don't understand homework, I'll do prep instead

HOW DO FRESHMEN NOT KNOW THIS STUFF???

Now I'll do homework, but I need to go to the store and pick up a few things.

Why am I at the store???

NOW I'll do homework!

Almost time for bed, have to clear my head which means playing the game again.

So, that is just a few things that go through my head.  I'm sure if I wrote it all I could fill pages and pages with weird stuff.  I'm not sure what this all means but maybe I should try and focus a little more.  Then again I do eventually get everything done ;-)

All grown up

From the time we are little kids we always talk about someday being a grown up.  Everyone always comments on how grown up we look after they haven't seen us for a while.  There is also the belief that everything will be all together when we are grown up.  All major questions answered and we are set in our routine and life.  But then there is the question...  When are we considered all grown up?  Does age really make us grown up or is this just a wish we all have that really never comes to pass?

In high school we have this idea and desire to be grown up, where we rely on ourselves and no one else for the things we need.  We feel like we are just about grown up when we are seniors and about to graduate because for some reason the idea of starting college makes us feel like we are just about there.  But that is far from true.

I never realized what freshmen in college were like until I got the chance to teach them.  I'm just hoping that I wasn't like the normal freshman.  I always felt like I was pretty mature when I left high school, yet now when I see how the freshmen are behaving I just can't help feeling like I had a similar attitude.  The are still so immature and naive.  So when do we grown up?  Cause most of them are now on their own and independent yet that obviously doesn't make them grown ups.  Then I wonder, since I'm working on an MBA does that make me grown up?  Ahhh, I have to say hardly.

Then I think, maybe I have to have a permanent job and maybe some kids and that will make me grown up.  Then I reflect on some people who I know who have a steady job and also have kids and that thought goes out the window.  Maybe I have to be retired and experience the world a little before I can be grown up.  But that doesn't make sense either cause I swear some retired people act more crazy than teens.

So, is there really such thing as a grown up or do we all just continue to grow/decline?  I have to say decline cause some people who I always thought were quite steady and knowledgeable just aren't so anymore.  Maybe cause I have a different perspective than when I was younger but who knows.  I know I'm not the same person I was in high school, or undergrad, or even when I started grad school.  No matter how much I grow I'm pretty sure I will never be all grown up, I think everyone continues to grow and change depending on what their life brings them.  I have no desire to be a grown up anymore but I am so happy I'm not a freshman anymore.  It's hard to believe that I was ever like them.

Another strange dream

I'm not sure why I keep having the oddest dreams but this one takes the cake so far.  It starts off rather normal where I am at the fair with the usual people (Carpenters and Jenny).

At first it's kinda normal and we're all just sitting around and occasionally throwing some hay or whatever to the cows.  Then we all go for a walk and end up sitting by the rides.  Thing is, there are no barriers to keep us from getting close to the rides.  First I think we are by a carousel and that obviously doesn't move but then all of the sudden it's a ride like the spider and I keep almost getting hit. After we are there for a while we decide to go back and Carpenters start giving their cows hay.  Next thing I know is Jenny is standing beside me with a huge blowtorch setting all the hay in the barn and outside it on fire.  I think a thought like "this is how she cleans up" pops into my mind and I don't really think anything of it.  Then I decide to leave but I first have to go back into the barn and tell them that I'm going.  This become difficult when there are all the sudden animal gates in front of me.  I start to climb them but they are the metal ones and I have no idea where they are grounded so they start falling over.  I do believe a cow beside me gets excited and says something like "woohoo, we are going to get those goats now".  Because the Carpenters cows are now goats of course.  So the gates starts falling over and there appears to be 3 rows of them and they fall over like dominoes.  For some reason the goats don't move and most of them get crushed by the falling gates.  I quickly get out of there and say my goodbyes and then get in my car.  Then for some reason I'm at home trying to drive away and there are 2 cars parked in front of me but for some reason I don't want to back up (either from the cows that got out or the raging fire that Jenny made), anyways I decide to charge through the 2 cars cause I think I can make it.  Needless to say I don't and scratch my car to bits.  The inside is fine and looks normal except that the steering wheel is now a limp square so I can barely drive in a straight line.

I then get into a cab driven by 2 odd people and they take me somewhere.  I'm not sure where I'm going at this point.  Somehow we end up going into the offices of Daniel Tosh from Tosh.0 and he is there acting goofy as ever but there seems to be an underlying feeling that he is a big jerk and has high demands.  Everyone is trying to please him and they are falling all over themselves to do so.  We end up walking around the office for a bit talking to people and then Daniel comes after us for some reason.  I think something may have happened after that but I basically woke up at this point.  There was a bunch of little things that also happened during this dream that were just too hard to describe without taking too long.  This dream definitely is the most out there for this month.

Questions for the future

So I am now a TA in the Foundations of Information System class which means that I will be teaching/running 2 labs and each lab will have around 20 students in it.  I've always wondered whether I would be a good teacher or not and I always thought that I wouldn't.  We shall see at the end of the year.  This position also seems to bring some kind of closer connection to the professors that I really couldn't experience when I was just a student.  All the teachers seem very pleased with me being chosen and it feels good yet at the same time they seem to treat me a little more of an equal now.  Or maybe it's just that I'm around them more often and we talk more than we used to and not just about what we are doing in class.

It's been mentioned on more than one occasion that I should consider going into education which would mean that I would have to get a PhD in some sort of business field.  Seems like things are turning out like they did with the Masters.  When I graduated with a BBA I thought that I would never go back to school and was happy with what I accomplished.  Then a year later I ended up going back to school for a masters.  Then I thought that that would be it and I would never go back for a PhD.  Well that idea may be changing now too. But that won't be for a while or at least until I have enough money to pay for it.  I really don't feel like going more into debt than I already am.  I hate debt with a passion and really try to avoid it.  I believe it was instilled in me at a young age that I should buy things unless I have all the money to pay for it at that point.  I know that isn't always possible but I would like a good portion on hand.  Anyways, it seems like the whole point of this year is that goals for the future are being tested and questioned to see if that is what I really want.  Right now there are just so many options out there that I have to figure out which ones are possible.  Seems like most of my teachers see a lot of potential in me which I didn't realize.  I have the greatest respect for my professors and I value their opinions and it seems like they are doing their best to plant the idea of teaching in my future.  I thought getting a masters would answer most life questions, not it seems to be raising more questions.  This school year is going to be interesting while I try and figure this all out.

calm before the storm

Classes officially started this week and since I don't have any until Thursday I'm playing the waiting game.  I don't have the book yet for the class as it is in the mail so I can't really start any homework yet.  Also, the labs I'm teaching don't start till next week so this week is basically just getting ready for them and learning the ropes.  I feel like there is a ton of stuff to do but yet at the same time I can't really do anything.  I'm so excited to actually get started.  I'm sure this feeling will change when classes start but for some reason this is the only semester that I was ever anxious to start.  Maybe it's because I now have the power to give grades.  I went to the first lecture for the class I'm doing the lab for to see what the students are like and so far I can tell it's going to be interesting. There are more older people than usual and I'm pretty sure I'm teaching the lab for a lady that says she is scared of computers.  We shall see how the semester goes but maybe this will change my mind on the whole teaching thing.

Fair time!!

I never thought that I was one to like to go to fairs but apparently I am.  Every since I showed cows one year, I always look forward to the fair.  All the dairy cows are there and mostly very friendly.  There is the general feeling of comradery among the dairy people.  Then, of course, there is all the fair food.  From corn dogs, ribbon fries, gyros, steak suppers, bloomin' onion, ice cream and so on.  This was the first year that I ever tried deep fried oreos.  They weren't bad but I still prefer them as they are in the package, no need to fry them.  And there is always the different people that you can see walking around.  I always loved sitting out front of the barn and just watch people go by.  There was always something unique to see.  I have been to the fair all week and it has to be the best thing to do before school starts.  It calms me after having to deal with student financial services and trying to get registered and all the other headache that comes with the beginning of a new school year.  They should have the fair more often.  At least twice a year or something like that.

Drive back to school

After going home for a couple weeks it was time to reluctantly return to school.  I stayed for as long as I thought was possible leaving a little time for me to prepare for school/interview when I got back.  Which meant that I left home on a Sunday, to drive through Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, New York, Ohio, Illinois and finally Michigan.  The drive took me approximately 28 hours or so.  If I didn't stop to sleep it would have probably only taken 21 hours but since Buffy (my dog)  hasn't learned to drive yet I was forced to stop.  This was around my 10th time driving such a distance by myself and I learned a few things during this drive.

First, Sunday is not a good day to make such a journey.  The whole way through Massachusetts was bumper to bumper traffic except for a few short spots here and there.  The traffic actually started in Maine but who's measuring the distance...

Second, check the weather reports for all the states at the times you think that you will be going through them.  It rained the ENTIRE time I was driving through New York.  Just when I think that I'm free of traffic and have the whole open road before me to have a pleasant drive beside the river that runs along the tollway it starts raining.  I don't mind rain really, I actually love rain.  So much so that if I ever get married I hope it does rain on that day.  Driving in it would be great if I was the only one on the road.  However there are always those people who for some reason think that rain is precarious and tricky and that they have to slow down to next to nothing in order to get through it.  Then there is always that other same minded person who decides to sit beside them to help them through it.  I would hate to see them in a little bit of snow.

Third, I have not been getting enough sleep lately.  The last thing I expected when I pulled  into an oasis for a nap is that I would sleep for almost 7 hours and not want to wake up.  That is just odd.  Even though I didn't want to get up I still felt pretty rested.  I guess I should start sleeping in my car on a regular basis since I got a better sleep there then when I sleep in a bed.  Mind you it was raining and with the windows all around me the  pitter patter of the rain was pretty loud and that always quiets my mind.

Fourth, I think I am getting too old for this or else have just done it too much.  I love driving and I swear that I could be a trucker and live happily.  But this time it was long and boring.  This trip was the time that I wished I had a better plan for my phone and could use the built in blue tooth in the car and call someone.  Just to hear another persons voice.  I do listen to music and audiobooks but that isn't the same.  I'm bored with all my music and the audiobook was awesome, I think I might have to buy a hard copy of the book, but there was still something missing.  Maybe it was the desire to actually go back to school.  Who knows?

Finally, I realized that trips like this are nice in that I get to see a lot of the country and the people in it.  But sometimes it would be nice if there was someone else in the car with me besides Buffy.  Someone to talk to, someone to drive part of the way, and someone to take the pictures (Buffy is just too hard to get pictures of by using only one hand and having to watch the road at the same time).  Mostly the last one!

Sucker Punch

I just finished watching the movie Sucker Punch.  I have been wanting to see it since before it was in theatre but just never got the chance.  It's an interesting movie.  It may seem like there is no sanity in the movie and that is it made up of random scenes with girls dressed in next to nothing fighting ridiculous battles.  The fact that there is at least three different realities combining into one makes it all the more confusing.  But that is just on the surface.  I would argue that this movie is one of the best and deepest movies that has ever been made and that it came at a perfect time.  Sure it takes a little thinking to get to the bottom of what is being said but the whole point of the movie was repeated at least three times but is said perfectly at the end by Sweet Pea.

 "Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!"


And then there are the random quotes by the Wiseman.  "For those who fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know."  "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."  


In a world where kids kill themselves, where they feel so alone and that no one is on their side, where they feel like they have absolutely no power, this movie shows what one person is "capable" of doing.  Sure it was a little far fetched but still the whole point is that no one has power over you except yourself.  We have everything we need to get through this life but we just need to fight for it.  Sucker Punch cannot be taken on what is portrayed on the surface.  You will miss the whole point of it if you don't look deeper.  It is much more than scantily clad girls running around with guns and knives.  Even though that is a plus it's not what should be focused on.  People find themselves in horrible and unwanted situations all the time but it's how you pull yourself through it that makes all the difference.  If you wait there for someone else to do it for you, that day will never come.  Sure there are people that will help you along the way but you have to be the driving force or else there really is no point in what you are doing.  The movie emphasizes how much a person can do when they fight for themselves, yet at the same time giving up oneself for a greater cause may be more satisfying in the end.  So it still shows that you shouldn't just focus on yourself but that sacrificing yourself for others may be the better choice.  


I liked what Dr. Vera Gorski said.  "It's like we talked about, you control this world.  Let the pain go, let the hurt go, let the guilt go. What you are imagining right now, that world you control.  That place can be as real as any pain."  


I see the movie as depicting how our reality can be seen and interpreted in totally different ways.  What one person would see as an easy walk in the park could also be seen as a huge battle that could potentially destroy the world.  Yes, they show the extreme interpretations but it emphasizes just how different people may see the world.  There are so many levels and layers to this movie it can leave people thinking for days and show them something new every time they watch it. 


I feel like I'm not doing justice to the movie in my ramblings so I encourage everyone to watch it and see and learn for themselves.  This is how you show and encourage the next generation to keep going.  The message and the mode and transportation method is perfect for their target group.  I just hope that the message wasn't too toned down by all the action that took place.  The message I believe that Sucker Punch was trying to communicate is one that is desperately needed today.      

Unconditional Love

No one in this world is capable of loving unconditionally.  You may think that statement a bit extreme and/or untrue but this is just my opinion.  Everyone expects family to love you always, yet there are millions of kids that are kicked out of their homes with nothing all because their family decided not to love them just the way they are.  People expect their spouse to love them always, yet divorce rates are extremely high.  Parents expect their kids to love them no matter what, yet many kids move away from their family never to return even when their parents are old and ailing.  I know I am being very general but these situations occur all the time within families that you would never have expected.  If there were unconditional love people would be free to be who they really are.  People wouldn't be worried about how others see them and wouldn't even consider acting in a way just to please others.  Kids would be free to tell their parents everything without the worry that they wouldn't be accepted.  All kids within a family would be treated equally instead of some siblings being treated "better" than others.  I would say that if you looked in any family today you would find a clear distinction in how each child is treated.  The parents may vehemently deny it but I haven't yet seen a family that didn't have such attributes.  Maybe I have a very cynical and jaded view of the world but I just don't think that there are any people out there that don't have some sort of prejudice or bias that affect how they view the world and the people in it no matter what their relation.

Money is money

I never thought that I would ever even think of being a teachers assistant or graduate student association officer but I guess someone has other plans for me.  Just thinking about applying to be a TA freaks me right out.  Me, teach students how to do something?  That's a scary thought in my mind but I guess i'm going to try and see if I can do it.  I don't have the job yet but am in the process of applying for it and the next step is the interview with a bunch of teachers who make it there purpose to mess with you on many different levels and basically act like that worst students you will ever come across.  We'll see how that goes...  Next, I always made fun of the people who were apart of the GSA.  Now I'm applying to become one of them?  This world is full of irony.  But they both have one thing in common (maybe two).  They both pay you to do the job and since I'm only going to have one class in the fall and none of the other off campus job applications I sent out have contacted me this is what is left for me.  It's better than taking out more money on my student loans (which I hear might be affected by stock market/rating today).  And of course these jobs are good experiences and look somewhat good on resumes I guess.  We shall see how this goes, I'm a little nervous about the whole thing but maybe this is something that I need in order to help me grow in the right direction.  I'm not sure if that makes sense but I'm sticking to it.

Dreams

After the longest 2 1/2 weeks of my life taking the most time consuming class ever (not the hardest, just a lot of work) and you would think that I had enough of classes.  Apparently my brain thinks otherwise.  For the last few nights I have been dreaming of being back in classes again.  It's not like it's one of those dreams where you just feel like you are there but the surrounding are kind of different, it was pretty close to the real thing.  In one dream I am in the classroom listening to a lecture.  All my classmates are there listening intently too.  I saw all of there faces and even talked/whispered with some.  In another dream we were all studying together.  We were seriously all gathered around a table discussing something we were doing in class and trying to work on some kind of project.  Another dream consisted of walking to class, passing by the other classrooms with lectures going on and then finding the room I was supposed to be in.  So much for a vacation before I have to go back.  I swear I've got to be learning something from these dreams cause it always feels like we are working hard at whatever we are doing.  Why can't my mind just get used to the fact that I have a month or so break before another class starts?  I don't want to think about that class anymore!!  Why oh why am I being tortured like this?  I come home hoping to get some rest and relax a little before I have to get back  but of course with my luck everything goes wrong instead.  I catch the summer cold that was going through camp when I was there for only one day, my stereo on the car gets busted so now I have to get that all fixed, I keep dreaming about a class I just want to forget about and I forgot a bunch of stuff back at school (wireless headphones, cell phone charger, kindle charger, and I'm sure I will notice more soon).  I'm not looking forward to what will happen next cause after everything that has happened I just don't feel like it will be good.

Home again

Why is it that I never have an uneventful drive home??  It's a little over 20 hours to make it home when driving and just once I wish I didn't have something go wrong.  First I notice that I forgot to bring my charger for my cell phone, which died an hour into the trip.  Then the speakers started popping and making odd noises and I figured I could live with that until I could get home and check out what was going on.  I took a closer look while I was stopped and noticed that some kids were messing with the cd player, little did I know just how much damage they did.  So I tried to fix what I could see but when I started driving I could tell that there was more that I couldn't see.  Then while driving through construction I hit a bump and the whole system went dead.  No USB connector, no CD, no radio, no time and most shocking no tick when I put on the blinker.  I was hoping it was just a blown fuse but alas when I checked the fuses and switched a couple there was no change.  Nothing to be done so the day long drive was pretty boring.  Tomorrow my brother and I will try and see if it can still be fixed without taking it to the dealership but I'm not holding my breath.  All I know is that I have to get it fixed before I go back or else I will never make it.  My dog just isn't the best at conversation.

Amazing day!

I feel kinda odd because I'm not used to this feeling.  I had a great day and not much really happened and there was a lot of stress involved but it was still great.  I guess it started with a message from someone I didn't expect to hear.  I didn't think she knew it was going to by my birthday but somehow she knew and sent me the sweetest message ever and it totally made my day.  It's odd how something as simple as an email can affect my day.  I guess it really has to do with the person.  I'm not really sure how I feel about her but I do know that she has wiggled her way into my life and become important to me.  She was the last person I expected to hear from since I know she is really busy, her days seem to run into each other so her actually knowing what day it is is impressive, and I don't remember telling her when my bday was.  I guess I did tell her a while ago and somehow she remembered.  I feel like a little kid or something cause I've been happy all day.  The smile keeps coming back and I just feel good.  I don't understand it but I'm not going to complain just yet.  Someday... Someday...

Insomniac?

I've always had a hard time sleeping and it doesn't seem like it's going to get better anytime soon.  Everyone loves to tell me what I'm doing wrong or what I should do to make sure I can sleep but at this point I really don't listen anymore.  They say exercise more, don't eat at certain times, just lay there and let yourself drift off, go to bed at normal times and make yourself wake up early and all that kind of crap.  I say crap cause I actually went through a time when I listened to what other people said.  Yeah, go figure, me listen to people.  Anyways, either way I exercise every day now and I still don't sleep well.  I don't eat late at night and I still don't sleep well.  I've made myself go to bed at normal times, making myself stop doing homework at certain times and I have my alarm clock wake me up every morning at the same time.  The only result that I got out of that was being very cranky for a long time.  I still stop myself from doing homework late into the night cause inevitably when I read what I did the night before none of it makes sense.  So it's not like I stay up all night doing homework.  I still have my alarm go off in the morning to wake me but that does nothing except make me lag all day.  I hate how people think that they have all the answers for me and if I just followed what they say it will all turn out great.  I could go on about that for a long time but I don't feel the need to right now.  I used to take sleeping pills and they worked for a little bit but then they stopped.  Now I don't bother with anything and just hope that when I get a job it will have really flexible hours.  I hate not being able to sleep.  I will lay there and look up at the ceiling wondering why I'm not tired all of the sudden.  At that point in time I really wish that I had someone to talk to but of course most people are sleeping.  It sucks to be the only one awake at such a time.  So lonely...

Homesick

I thought that being homesick was something that only little kids got when they were away from their family.  I thought I would have outgrown it but that doesn't seem to be the case.  Sure enough, a few days before I will go home it hits me.  I miss my family.  It's not like I don't have people here at school that are like family, but it's not the same.  I miss my Mum and Dad, it's odd cause it wasn't that long ago that I swore I hated them with every fiber in my being, but not anymore.  I've grown up and I realize just how important they are.  I also miss my sister even though she always teases me and tries to annoy me to no end.  She has changed so much over the years it's hard to remember when we were in school together.  She has turned into this awesome person who is the greatest mom ever who you can tell that her kids mean the world to her.  Then there is my younger brother, he is a pest but I miss him too.  I loved it when we were actually going to the same university.  I got him for a few hours one day a week and I looked forward to that day all week.  He has grown up so much too, it has taken some time to get used to the fact he isn't a little boy anymore.  He is the best brother ever and I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished so far.  I'm sure bigger and better things are yet to come.  Then there are my nieces.  I love them to pieces and it's always a thrill to see them.  They are in my head the whole time when I drive home.  They put an little extra speed in me.  I can't wait to have a little nephew too and hope he comes while I'm at home.  Last but not least there is my friend.  Friend is an odd term to use but I can't really think of anything that would be better.  She is basically a sister.  I can talk to her about anything and everything and she doesn't care.  She never judges me or get annoyed with me.  Her kid is like another niece to me too.  I feel like I'm missing out on so much being away.  The girls are always growing and there is always something going on.  Even though I will see them all in about 5 days, it couldn't be soon enough.  They are all my family and they mean the world to me and I miss them all the time.

words

Today is an odd day.  There is just so much that I want to say and get out but for some reason I am having a hard time doing it.  I can write page after page of words but nothing seems to say how I feel.  It's like I'm running in circles, trying to find something yet have no idea where it is.  It's just so frustrating cause it just won't come out.  Everything it just pounding in my head trying to land on the page but there is a block somewhere.  It just won't come out.  Nothing makes any sense.  I just want it out.  It's messing with my head.  It's like I'm having 5 different emotions at the same time and just can't figure out which one is the dominant one.  Blah...  So much for today, maybe better luck next time.

Who is Kim?

At the beginning of every class my teachers all seem to want us to introduce ourselves and tell them a little bit about us.  I don't really mind it, but what do I say?  Lately I've condensed it to this.  Born and raised on the East coast of Canada, transferred to Andrews for my second year of University.  Got a BBA in management and now getting an MBA.  Goals for the future is to own my own business and hopefully help people along the way.  So that is that.  Quick, to the point and not boring them with my life story.

But sometimes the question of who you are goes beyond the superficial and that is where I have the problems.  I never truly understood why someone would want to know more about me but seems like there are a few.  What do I tell them then?  Do they really want to know who I am and what has made me who I am or are they just being polite?  Rarely have I told anyone my story because I just don't believe that anyone would want to know.  I'm used to people just saying things and not really meaning it.  I'm a little cynical I guess.  

Recently, I have been thinking about what my motivation for life is.  That may sound odd but it's important for me.  Maybe I think too much about things but I can clearly see that who I am today started when I was born. That very day pretty much, or just slightly after.  All I know is that when growing up my favorite person in all the world was my Gram.  She was the best person ever and was always there to spoil me.  It's sad to say but now I can't really remember her all that much.  It's more like I remember the feeling of her, how she loved me no matter what.  Sure, there were my parents who loved me too, but nothing compares to a grandparents love.  Mine are all gone and I miss them all.  I miss Grandpa and all the stories and advice he would give me.  I also miss Grandma who played all sorts of games with us kids.  All three of them meant a lot to me and I never really realized it until there were gone.  I still have my moments when it all comes back but I figure that is what's keeping me going.

When I left for college I knew I had to get away.  I was getting very desperate and feeling very lost.  I don't think anyone really understands just how beaten I felt back then.  I loved my Gram, but having to take care of her for years while her body was breaking and her mind was disintegrating.  It got to the point where I could barely look at her and that ripped me to shreds because I knew she loved me.  The hardest day for me was telling her that I was leaving, she said for me to go but I knew that she wouldn't last very much longer.  Two years later I was proven right and I blamed myself for it.  It took years for me to accept the fact that I wouldn't have been able to lengthen her life, that if I had stayed there I wouldn't have been able to make her better.  I did my part, I did more than what any grandchild has to do for their grandparents.

But that brings me closer to who I am.  During all this time, after moving away and trying to finish college, I had no idea who I was.  I felt like I lost a part of me and I just didn't know where to find it.  That critical part was missing for a long time but I think I've found it.  My first couple years of college were horrible.  I didn't know what I wanted to do and none of the classes interested me.  I was just doing what I thought everyone else wanted even though I knew from high school that I hated biology.  So why did I make biology my major?  That is a whole other story, this one is long enough.  I eventually found that I was drawn to business and things started to make a little bit more sense but there was still something just not right.  Somehow one of my teachers that I grew close to noticed something was not quite right.  She helped me get the help I needed and eventually I ended up on antidepressants and seeing a therapist on a regular basis.  That helped but I still had my moments.  There were days where I just didn't understand why I was put on this earth.  Nothing made sense and everything I did was wrong and I always messed everything up.  People I thought were friends ran away from me, I didn't want to go to class, I couldn't even properly dress myself.  When that day hit I knew that it wasn't worth it.  I think when I realized what I did I just gave up, that was the last of it.  Next thing I knew I was in the hospital.  That was a hard realization but the truth is that I was a little relieved as well.  But that is also another story.

I've been slowly getting better.  I still have my moments but there aren't nearly as bad and there is always a part of me that tries to keep me sane and push me out of it.  So fast forward to after I graduated with a BBA and you end up at a cross road.  I still didn't really know what I wanted to do.  I had an idea but there was always something that would push against it and make me feel like it was impossible.  But now I am sure of what I want to do.  I have never been sure of anything ever before and it's a scary feeling to actually know now.  My one regret throughout my life is that I couldn't offer my Grandparents the care that they deserved.  I hated the place that my Gram ended up and I didn't like the fact that Grandpa and Grandma were living on their own for so long.  Why couldn't there just be a place that would feel like home with the same freedoms and atmosphere but with the constant care and supervision needed to keep an elderly person safe?  Well that is my goal in life.  I don't care if I make money, I don't care if it takes years to put together, and I certainly don't care if people think that I can't do it.  I will make such a place if it is the last thing I do.  I want the elderly to live out the rest of their days in comfort and peace.  Not having to worry about if there is any food, not having to worry about doing their laundry, not having to worry that they might have forgotten to take their pills and definitely not worry that they will be alone.

So when people ask my who I am it's a rather complicated answer because I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, I'm not even the same person I was last year.  There is still so much about me that makes me who I am that I haven't mentioned but again, that is another story.  I've had my ups and downs and I think I got through them pretty well.  All this was just a way to lead me to what I think my calling is in this world.  Even though it took me so long to figure it out, the truth was there my whole life.  If I had to describe myself at this point in time I would have to say that I am the person that I want to be.  I am very loyal to my friends and family and would never purposefully do anything to hurt them, I can also be very stubborn (I just say I'm always right), I can be fierce when someone gets on my bad side, I will debate for hours on topics that I am passionate about yet I can sit for hours just listening to others talk and be quite content.  I'm a complex person and the fact that it has taken me this long to figure out this one side of me I have no idea what I'm going to learn next.  I like to say that I'm an open book.  I will answer any question of ask of me truthfully and honestly, but if a person really wants to get to know me fully there is no way that it will happen just because they asked questions.  I'm a withdrawn person so surface level talking means absolutely nothing to me.  I have  had people think themselves friends but in reality they were nothing more than acquaintances to me.  There are only a select few who I have let into the mind of Kim and they take me for who I am.  But there have also been a select few who I wanted to let in and they slammed the door in my face.  I'm not an easy person to get to know and understand, and everything you have read now is just part of my past.  Anyone can find these things out about me.  But it's part of who I am and why I write.  I have pages and pages of written thoughts, feelings and ideas and it hasn't been until recently that I figured I could let the rest of the world in a little bit.  Maybe I will tell my other stories sometime soon.  I have to pluck up the courage for those ones first though, they are not as easy to tell and truth be told they may end up longer.  

Some people

For some reason or other, there are just some people who rub me the wrong way.  Whether it comes from them thinking I know shit and always having to tell me what to do even though they are the ones who don't know what they are doing or the fact that they feel the need to always talk to me about useless things.  Then they go and start talking about subjects that they have no idea about and expect everyone in the group to agree with them and don't understand why we don't.  I am in a group for a class at school and it seems like whenever we have "group" discussions it's always this guy and me arguing.  He peeved me off royally today and I was ready to strangle him.  He basically makes us talk around in circles and we never go anywhere so our project is going to be shit when we have to hand it in.  The other two guys in the group tend to sit quietly and only interrupt to change the subject.  Which is good, but the subject never stays changed.  Then, while we are in class, this same guy keeps trying to talk to me when I'm trying to listen to the lecture.  The first day of class I chose my seat and of course this guy had to sit in front of me and get in the same group when we had to split up.  If I get through the next week or so without getting arrested or kicked out of school I will be happy.  At this point I don't even care about the grade as long as I pass.  So much for doing well on the core class for my MBA.  Who needs to get good grades anyways?  Oh, forgot to mention the final is a case study done in our groups, woohoo....

A world away

Why is irt that no matter where I go my closest friends always seem like a world away?  Now, given that they are kinda far from each other I don't think they would ever be in the same place anyways.  But still, a girl can dream can't she?  So I have this friend who is literally on the other side of the world.  We have known each other for a little over a year and a half now I think.  I know the exact date that we met and who started the conversation and everything yet (hold your breath) we have never actually met in person.  I don't really have anything against that really, we met randomly but the conversation was a bit of a tough one.  Needless to say we connected fast and we shared a lot about ourselves.  At this point in time I would say that there are only a couple other people who know me as well as her and she says the same thing.  But here comes the catch.  She is going through a really hard time right now and I'm the kind of person who really, really wants to help out my friends.  Now if I had the $2000 to fly over there I would in a heart beat but I'm not going to have that money anytime soon.  Which really sucks.  And of course, since she is going through a lot, she isn't able to talk to me all that often unless she is really desperate and pushes everything away for a few minutes.  What am I to do?  I know she needs to figure all this out on her own and I can't fix anything but she is feeling so alone.  I write to her as much as I can yet I'm not even sure if she has the time to read it or not.  No matter what I do she is always at the back of my mind.  We've both felt the distance between us but right now she is feeling it the most.  It's really hard to read her pm's when I can hear just how torn she is and how much she just wants a friend by her side at that moment.  I do the best I can for her but with the distance it is very limited.  Some day...  Some day...

Books, books, books

I love reading!  I will read just about anything except a textbook, that is the one thing that I have to force myself to do.  But enough about textbooks.  I grew up reading great books introduced to me by my mother.  I figure if she wasn't a reader herself I would have never ventured into the world of mystery, suspense with crazy people popping up here and there.  Until recently I usually stuck with mystery and crime novels and the occasional thriller/scary books.  I love the mystery of trying to figure out who done it.  My mind races with all the possibilities as the pages fly by and then when the moment of suspense arrives to unveil who the culprit was I feel like I just found out the most deep dark secret that the book was holding.  The whole point of the previous pages being to distract and confuse in order to get you to see through the obvious.  Some books are better than others but a mystery is always a good choice.  Lately, however, I have found something new.  Something so powerful and descriptive and captivating that I never thought that a person could write like that.  All the emotions that the characters go through are felt deep down to my core.  The utter devastation of being rejected, the sharp pain of being torn away from someone you love, but also the amazing brilliance of vast landscapes and countries never before seen.  I swear that if I could go to the spot that was described that I could walk the same streets and enter the same building and know exactly where I was going to end up.  Every time the the protagonist is happy so am I, every time they are angry so am I, every time they feel hurt and alone so do I.  I feel like I'm right there in the story with them cheering them on and even wanting to comfort them.  Maybe I spend too much time reading, but if I didn't I would have never found the one story that was so close to my own that it gave me hope.  Stories are just stories, they aren't true and in real life half of the stuff would never happen.  Someday I might have my own story to write but until then I will continue to find new and interesting genres to expand and feed this ever growing need in me.

Observation

Have you ever looked at a flower and wonder just how it came to be so beautiful?  The soft, smooth petals that feel so delicate to the touch you wonder just how they can survive outside in the wind.  The vibrant colors that cannot be compared with any paint that can be bought in stores.  That tiny, itty bitty seed that slowly grows into a strong and bold plant that is ready to take on the world.  It's amazing the things you can find in nature.  So magnificent and mind boggling.  Then you look at people.  There really is no comparison.  People are horrible.  Rotten to the core and selfish as all hell.  I guess not everyone should be lumped into that boat but it's hard not to sometimes.  I include myself in that description as well so don't take offense cause I don't.  I can see clearly those sides of me that can be pretty nasty.  I know others have seen it as well because I've seen it in their faces.  With all the steel and bricks and asphalt out there it's amazing that there are these little pieces of beauty out there.  Whether it is a flower, that funny looking cloud up in the sky, or the look on a little kids face when they are given a new toy.  If it weren't for those little joys I don't know what I would live for.  My life is not my own and that is probably a good thing cause if it were up to me I would have been gone a long time ago.  The world is definitely hard but I've learned to accept that.  My life is like an open book whose insides where torn out.  All you can do is guess what was in the inside and wait for it to hit you in the face.  I think that's quite an apt description.  This blogging thing could be interesting.

So here goes!!

I figured I was going to give blogging a shot.  It seems like late at night all these things goes through me head and I try and write them down but then what do I do with them?  So I have decided to let other join in on the insanity that goes through this little brain of mine and post it for the masses to read.  Who knows, maybe a couple people might like it.  This is going to be random stuff that just pops into my head so be forewarned this might not make any sense. Enjoy!!  :)